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Don’t Let Your Ostomy Stop You From Dating!

Easing back into the dating scene may feel scary and impossible, it’s normal to want to take your time and get comfortable with your daily routine before tackling dating. It is possible, however, and going on dates might actually help to increase your comfort and confidence.

Finding the Perfect Date Location

When you are ready, choose a location that is familiar to you. If it’s not too far from home and you already know where the restrooms are, you will feel more in control of the situation and it will ease your mind. You can choose to keep the first couple of dates casual and relatively short to ensure your comfort.

You might even want to get together with a close friend who knows about your ostomy and go out shopping for a new outfit, something that will make you feel positive and bold. If the location of the date is unknown to you, use this time to also stop by and get a feel for the environment. It’s fine to want all the information ahead of time so all you need to worry about during your date is seeing if there’s a romantic spark.

Are Things Beginning to Heat Up?

Of course if things are beginning to heat up with someone, you will probably want to think about sharing about your ostomy. Remember that it’s completely up to you when and how to do this. It may be helpful to write down what you want to communicate beforehand to help with your confidence and directness. Feel free to keep it short and then offer to field some questions that your new partner might have. Remember, if a romantic interest can’t accept you as you are, they are not the one for you.

More Resources

If the idea of ostomy sex makes you nervous, it may be helpful to talk to someone who has been down that road before. Speak with someone who has experience living with an ostomy to find out how they navigated similar situations. Your nurse may have information of local networks or support groups. You can start your search to meet others in your situation on our website.

Find our additional information on intimacy and your stoma.

Editor’s note: This article is from one of our digital sponsors, Coloplast. Sponsor support along with donations from readers like you help to maintain our website and the free trusted resources of UOAA, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization.

It’s Ivan’s 4th Birthday!
Four years ago today my amazing doctors, Dr. Leslie Demars and Dr. Joga Ivatury removed a huge tumor out of my pelvis and I woke up ALIVE and in a colostomy which I named (Ivan) after Dr. Ivatury, for life.
The first thing I asked Dr. Ivatury when I woke up was “did we get the f#@%r?” He smiled and smiled and said yes.

The next thing I asked was “am I in a bag?” He reluctantly said “yes.” My reaction? “Ok now let’s get me out of here so we can go to California.” I was working on a Tyra Banks product line at the time and did not want to miss the opportunity.

I was not always so positive. When I found out I had cancer in 2015 and would possibly be in a colostomy bag for life, I was devastated, to the point where I told my doctor “do NOT put me in a bag” so many times that he had to yell at me and say I have been up nights thinking about your surgery, I have no intention of putting you in a bag HOWEVER my job is to SAVE YOUR LIFE. So well, he was right.

I had such a different view on life when I woke up. God left me here to do some work and I was not going to let HIM down by playing small. I was going to live my life HUGE and give back to this world as much as I can.

I did allow myself to have strong feelings and concerns. “What if it smells, or makes noises or someone bumps it?” I would cry after cancer, but life was not over yet. What am I supposed to learn from this lesson and from what I am going through? It took me a lot of work to get to be okay. We got this one life.

I got up and forced myself to get out anyway. It helped so much that my kids, parents, and sister along with my husband and friends were supportive of me along the way.

I wanted to get back to doing the things I had enjoyed before cancer. One love was competing in Fitness America and WBFF shows in 2010 and 2011, where I placed in the top five in one of the shows I did. I knew I needed to love my body again and decided to tell the world in a live video to let people know to love the body you were given.

LeeAnne Hayden competes with her colostomy pouch and all at the 2017 America Fitness weekend in Las Vegas.

I was talking with my husband and friends and said I think I want to compete with “Ivan.” The second it came out of my mouth everyone was so supportive. I was sponsored for my training, plane, suit, costume, all of it. When I got there after months of training I almost didn’t want to do it. However, I knew I couldn’t let my fear stop me, I had to show everyone what I preached. The costume was great. It was a pair of wings that I could open and expand. I was shaking when I took my first steps out on that stage, I took a deep breath and opened the wings, hit my pose and completely teared up when everyone in the audience stood up clapping, screaming and some of them were crying. (Gosh I am starting to cry writing this) It was the most surreal moment ever. I felt amazing and supported and forgot I even had Ivan while I hit all my posing and walked off the stage to my friends in the back screaming and hugging me. It is a moment I will never forget.

There is such a stigma to ostomies, I have heard stories of how people have given up their lives because they didn’t want to be in one. I think we all need to be more vocal about it. So many more people could be saved. Thank you to UOAA for what you do with ostomy awareness!

That’s the way I’ve spent these last four years and I can’t wait to see where my life goes from here! I want to bring everything I have personally been through to all of you so that you may grow and live the life you want and deserve! Huge thank you to my wonderful doctors, my amazing family, my friends, all of you, and especially to GOD for allowing me to remain.

Whatever you want to do in life hope you run for it.

 

LeeAnne Hayden blogs about her life here and produces the LeeAnne in the City Podcast.

Subject of the movie White Boy Rick reveals why depicting his ostomy was critical to the story.

 

By R.S. Elvey

Hollywood movies, both fictional and nonfictional, thrive on melodramas depicting romance and violence. Car crashes, explosions, shootings, and all kinds of mayhem deliver gruesome injuries to victims and survivors. The 2018 film White Boy Rick, starring Matthew McConaughey and Richie Merritt, has all these components but is unique in showing the personal aftermath of a violent act – in this case scenes depicting an ostomy.

The film, set in the 1980s on Detroit’s eastside, tells the true story of Rick Wershe, Jr., called by the local newspapers “White Boy Rick” and his father Richard Wershe, Sr. During that decade, Ronald Reagan’s War on Drugs is in full swing and the FBI is anxious to break up drug dealing and crooked police in Detroit. Agents observe 14-year-old Rick mingling with a local drug lord and his father selling illegal guns to drug gangs. They meet with Rick and his father and offer them a deal. To prevent his father from going to jail, Rick, at 14, would become an informant working for the FBI. His father agrees to the deal and Rick becomes the youngest informant ever undercover for the FBI.

While working for the FBI, Rick becomes more and more involved in the daily activities of a leading Detroit drug lord and his gang. They become suspicious of Rick and he is shot in the stomach by a .357 magnum. The bullet enters and goes clean through, severely damaging his large intestine. He is rushed to Ascension St. John’s Hospital, Detroit, where lead surgeon Dr. Norman Bolz and others save his life. He awakes with a lifesaving ostomy.

The first time the ostomy pouch appears in the film is when Rick and his father are coming home from the hospital. Rick has his left hand over his stomach and the pouch is overlapping his pants. He is also depicted emptying his pouch. In a recent correspondence with Rick from prison he said, “When I woke up, I didn’t realize that I had it. I think I touched my stomach and then first felt the bag. I didn’t know what the bag was. Dr. Bolz came in and explained to me what the bag was and how it worked. The bullet had torn through my intestines and the doctors were hoping the intestines would heal and that it could be reversed, but that it would take a while.”

The real White Boy Rick young and old.

Rick Wershe, Jr. “White Boy Rick” when he was convicted in the 1980’s and today behind bars over 30 years later.
Top photo credit: Sony Pictures

 

While in the hospital the staff showed him how to empty and change his pouch. At home he was never seen by an ostomy nurse or received any other ostomy maintenance training. He said, “I basically had to learn on my own. Fortunately, I really didn’t have any skin problems. I had to keep the bag clean and was able to do a pretty good job. I had skin irritations but it was not too bad. I was lucky.” His friends were young and they were shocked when they saw his bag. But he said, “My family, especially my dad and grandparents, tried to be as helpful and supportive as they could.” He also met others who had ostomies. Rick had to pay for his own supplies at a local pharmacy which proved very expensive. His father wanted him to wash and reuse the pouches but Rick wouldn’t do that. He would use 2-3 new pouches a day.

Andy Weiss, one of the movie’s screenwriters, spoke numerous times with Rick while working on the screenplay. When asked why the ostomy scenes were included he said, “The ostomy scenes are the core of showing Rick’s vulnerability and what I was hoping to get from it was the sympathy and empathy that he deserved but never received from law enforcement or the people around him at that time.” Rick insisted that his ostomy should be part of the movie saying, “We included the ostomy scenes because I thought it was important to show young kids and adults that you can go through this and still be ok.” And get through it he did. Rick says that the ostomy proved to be no hindrance either socially or in his daily dealings. A year and a half after his original surgery, Dr. Bolz performed a successful revision.

Rick soon faced even greater challenges. Abandoned by the FBI and his family needing money, Rick and his father turned to the only way they knew how to make money, dealing drugs. Eventually, Rick was arrested and sentenced to 30 years for drug dealing. Now 49-years-old, he is scheduled to be paroled in 2020.

When ostomates watch the movie, the ostomy is immediately recognizable. But numerous reviewers of the movie never mention the ostomy scene. Ostomate, Robin Glover on ostomyconnection.com, wrote after viewing the film, “There were some inaccuracies, but it will definitely raise awareness and change what the word “ostomy” conjures up in the mind of anyone that sees it.” Joy Hooper, United Ostomy Associations of America’s 2019 WOCN of the Year was enthusiastic in her response to the film and said of the screenwriter, “I appreciate his way of displaying life with an ostomy. He did a superb job. He was able to show what many consider a negative aspect of life respectfully.”

White Boy Rick is now available on streaming services.

Grammy award-winning recording artist speaks out for ostomy awareness and support

The emotions all came flowing back. While touring at a radio station earlier this year in Louisville, Kentucky recording artist Damon Little heard of the tragic suicide of a 10-year-old boy Seven Bridges. There was a part of his own story that he had just recently felt compelled to reveal for the first time ­– he too had lived with a colostomy as Seven once did.

Grammy-winning recording artist Damon Little had an ostomy as a child and is now part of an outreach effort with UOAA to promote ostomy education and awareness.

“This boy’s story was my story. The feelings of isolation and pain of endless surgeries” says Little who had an ostomy for most of his youth until a reversal at age thirteen. Though many young ostomates are now encouraged to be active his teachers and parents at the time sheltered him from sports and other children, because of his ostomy.

Earlier in the year while working on a new inspirational song “Be Alright,” he could not shake the feeling that something was missing. Still unaware about Seven’s death he was inspired to record a testimony about his past on the track. It felt like it was a natural fit for the song’s powerful message.

After learning of Seven’s death the song seemed like fate and Little also wanted to do more to help people living with an ostomy. He and his wife reached out to  United Ostomy Associations of America (UOAA) to see what could be done to help the next person in need.

Ostomy Outreach

UOAA is now working with Little to spread the news of our 300 affiliated support groups, national advocacy program, and free educational resources available to all those seeking ostomy information and support. He is speaking out live on radio interviews and on stage at events around the country. His story is already touching people and compelling them to do more.

At an appearance in Elizabeth City, North Carolina a hospital caseworker asked for UOAA brochures to share with patients and a man living with an ostomy who was at the gathering bravely spoke out about his story and in support of UOAA’s mission.

Though he is best known for his Gospel music, Little has also agreed to record a non-denominational uplifting version of his song “Be Alright.” We hope this speaks to all those who may be struggling with their ostomy or other issues regardless of their background. Look for that to be released in a few weeks with a special shout-out to UOAA.

A Famous Musical Family

Little, a native of Baltimore, got started singing when he was just five-year-old with his family group consisting of his brothers and cousins. His first recording was with his uncle the legendary Clarence Fountain of The Blind Boys of Alabama. The Blind Boys of Alabama have been celebrated around the world and played for three U.S. Presidents.

In his own music career Little has spent weeks on the top 10 gospel charts and top 30 on urban AC billboard. He has traveled with numerous national and international tours performing for audiences as large as 300,000 people.

Little’s sound has been compared to the legendary Al Green and the late Philippe Wynne, the Spinners former lead singer.

Fighting Stigmas

Little has found that the volunteers of UOAA and many in the ostomy community are equally shaken by the suicide of young Seven and want to do much more to help end existing ostomy stigmas.

By joining forces with UOAA Little wants the public to know that ostomy or continent diversion surgery can occur at any age, and that often the emotional scars take the longest to heal. “Most people with an ostomy who connect to the support and education they need live full, active, and healthy lives,” says UOAA President Susan Burns, a longtime ostomate. “Many people don’t realize that with some help they can swim, play sports, work, be intimate, and fully embrace a second lease on life.”

Little is partnering with UOAA to reach out to communities everywhere, particularly underserved populations to dispel ostomy stigmas and connect people in need with support and educational resources. He’ll also serve as UOAA’s Ostomy Awareness Day Champion on October 5, 2019. Events include the Run for Resilience Ostomy 5k that will raise awareness in nine U.S. cities.

Most importantly, Damon Little wants you to know it will “Be Alright” and to embrace the life ostomy surgery has allowed you to have.

Connect with Damon Little:

Facebook @IamDamonLittle

Twitter: @IamDamonLittle

Instagram: @IamDamonLittle

Youtube: Damon Little Music

UOAA conference speaker strategically uses humor to help ostomy patients

By Ed Pfueller, UOAA

If you’re a patient of Janice Beitz, PhD, RN, CS, CNOR, CWOCN-AP, CRNP, APNC, ANEF, FNAP, FAAN,  she will likely look you in the eye and know when to employ humor and when not to. If you’re in a rut you may get an ostomy joke to break the ice. “You think this bag is full of crap? You should see my bother in law,” she once quipped, breaking down all barriers for a man struggling to adjust whose brother-in-law seemingly fit the description.

Dr. Janice Beitz is a longtime WOC Nurse and educator who will speak on the power of humor and hope in emotional healing after ostomy surgery.

Ostomy surgery and chronic illness is not a laughing matter, but how you handle it can be a key to your success. It does not seem to be a coincidence that some of the most well-adjusted ostomates tend to have a sense of humor. Humor can change a negative mindset for you and those around you.

Dr. Beitz has over 40 years of nursing experience in acute, sub-acute and outpatient care settings. She’s explored the science behind laughter and health in academia and has seen it in patient settings. She will be a featured speaker at UOAA’s National Conference in Philadelphia this August.

Her talk is entitled, Intestines Are Soooooo Overrated: Psychosocial/Physiological Issues For Ostomates. She’ll discuss the social, psychological and physical issues of having a fecal or urinary diversion. The session will describe the findings from scholarly work on these areas of interest. Strategies for ostomates to achieve a high quality of life including therapeutic use of humor will be emphasized.

Dr. Beitz also teaches the next generation of WOC Nurses as the director of the Rutgers University Camden Wound Ostomy Continence Nursing Education Program (WOCNEP). Students she has taken to visit the jovial and globetrotting members of the Ostomy Support Group of Philadelphia have left in shock. “They turn to me and say these people have traveled more and have a better life than I do!” Dr. Beitz said.

“They are seriously funny,” Dr. Beitz says of the Philadelphia group led by Stanley Cooper that is always laughing and living life to the fullest.

“She is committed to her students. She is committed to all WOC nurses, and she is committed to all patients that need a WOC nurse to ensure they receive the best possible care,” Stanley remarked.

“Janice loves to have a good laugh and will supply a good laugh when she can. When she spoke to our group, she started off with a funny cartoon from a newspaper that she projected on a screen.” Stanley.

“One thing she said to me after her appearance was that she always wanted to enter a room after being introduced to KC and the Sunshine Band singing Get Down Tonight. That is the type of good spirited, happy, energetic person that she is” Stanley said.

Emotional health will be touched upon in many other conference sessions as well. A session geared toward young adults will address body image and self-confidence with an ostomy. Relationships and sexuality sessions will often center on emotional health as well. Overcoming physical challenges often comes quicker than lingering emotional ones.

For those who have not had a UOAA Affiliated Support Group experience, the peer support at conference can provide a sense of camaraderie that gives an enlightening experience for the many who still struggle with the day-to-day challenges of living with an ostomy. Caregivers are also not forgotten at conference with a session on how to cope with caregiver stress.

UOAA’s vision is a society where people with ostomies and intestinal or urinary diversions are universally accepted and supported socially, economically, medically and psychologically. Connect with us locally, online or at conference and get on a positive path.

At the conference, perhaps we can arrange to turn up “Get Down Tonight” as we welcome Dr. Beitz to give us a laugh and hope about life with an ostomy.